Guest Post by Stephen Colbert: Matt Millen proves he's still a football genius

I knew we had a following here on the MZone.  But I had no idea how big it was until I got a request from Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert to do a guest post.  Wow.  We're honored and humbled.  Take it away, Stephen...

STEPHEN COLBERT:  "Thank you, Yost.  Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, Matt Millen's eight-year tenure with the Detroit Lions led to the worst eight-year record in the history of the modern NFL at 31-97. At least that's one way to look at it if you want to focus only on the negative. 

I prefer the to look at the positive.  I mean, if the man didn't know football, would he get hired by ESPN?  So when Millen speaks, I think we should all pay pretty close attention and drink from the Gatorade bottle of genius.  Like this week when he talked with Chris Fowler and Kirk Herbsteit about William Gholston's actions during the Michigan-Michigan State game.  Jimmy, roll the tape..."



STEPHEN COLBERT: "Yes.  Millen's right.  That stuff happens. Cold cocking a dude in the face and trying to break a guy's neck is just young exuberance.  Gholston was a little bit fired up.  We've all been there.  Remember in your youth, that first job out of college?  You had a great day at work, but waiting at the elevator to go home, Judy from Human Resources pushes the "up" button instead of the "down" button by mistake -- so you punched her in the jaw.  Young exuberance.  Or that time in the break room, when you saw Steve from Accounting going through your lunch bag -- pure instinct made you grab him in a headlock and try to crack a vertebrae or two.  You were simply fired up.

And as Millen pointed out, Gholston's a heck of a football player.  People are only singling him out because he's good.  We all know if he sucked, we'd just suspend him without even having this discussion.  Where's the due process in that, America?

Folks, as the old adage goes, when it comes to football -- listen to Matt Millen.  The Lions did.  If they didn't, they wouldn't have sucked so bad as to be able to have enough high draft picks to choose 642 receivers over a three year period until they got it right with Calvin Johnson.

Plus, if you suspend Gholston here, you're just going to have to start enforcing all the rules.  And if you can't catch them all, I agree with Millen: don't enforce any of them.   It's part of the game.  Like stabbings and carjackings are part of city life.   In fact, I don't even know why we bother arresting anybody because that shit happens every night in every city.  All or nothing, people.

And you heard Millen -- he had it done to him.  Which makes it alright.  That's why he's laughing throughout the entire clip.  Because punching someone in the head and trying to paralyze another human being is funny if it's done on a football field.  So c'mon, Nation.  Get a football clue.  Listen to Matt Millen."

UPDATE: Sadly, the Big Ten did not listen to the Mr. Football, Matt Millen, and suspended Gholston for one game -- Saturday's showdown with Wisco. No word yet if this "completes" MSU's investigation into the incident or they're still searching for their game tapes.