BREAKING: Mythical Walmart Wolverine Captured Live on Video

POST-GAME UPDATE: Well, in the wake of...uh..."that"...might as well laugh -- at ourselves.  Below should help.

We've all heard rumors about the mythical "Walmart Wolverine."  Sporting their strange-shade-of-overly-bright-Michigan attire and acid washed jeans.  Masturbating to Pop Evil.  Yelling "F*ck INSERT OPPONENT HERE!" like they were Buckeye fans.

But, like Bigfoot, I thought -- nay, hoped -- they were a figment of a jealous MSU imagination.  Sadly, I'm here to report that they are real.  And below is the video proof.  Captured on YouTube for all the world to see.

It pains me to post this.  It really does.  I'd much rather post this video of an adorable 5-year-old singing The Victors.  Or the dude from OFFICE SPACE and his Michigan cubicle.  Or a frightening look at what life would be like if you were trapped in a Broadway musical this weekend.  Or what passes for a wild and crazy night in the dorms at Spartyville.  Or this clip of an MSU fan who apparently traveled in a time machine from the set of FLASHDANCE, circa 1983, to share her opinion on the M/MSU game.  But the journalistic integrity you've come to expect of the MZone demands I share the video below immediately, shining light where there is darkness.  Oh sure, if this was an OSU fan, I'd be giddy to pass it on.

But it's not.  Not today.  It's a Michigan fan.  A Michigan fan and his 12 gauge shotgun.



Ah, yes -- "Go Blue, bitches!" The famous cheer Fielding Yost brought with him to A2 along with the Winged Helmet. 

All I can say is God help us if we lose since we lost today.  Because I promise you - PROMISE YOU - this motherf*cker is going to wind up in the inbox of every Michigan fan 600+ times over the next couple months.


POST-GAME UPDATE II:  I sure hope somebody took his shotgun away after the game today.

"I like Ohio State. It's my number one bathroom...I take poops in."

What is it with Buckeye fans and their YouTube videos?   I know, I know -- it seems like I say this each time I find and post one of these things.  But it really is like they have no concept that the entire world can see this crap.

Oh, you think I'm exaggerating?  Fine.  Watch...



See what I mean?  Simply stunning.

I'm just glad the video ended when it did. Especially after he started talking about his "saddlebags" and the camera tilted down.

Seriously, (Little) Dude?

Last week, we put up this post about the Michigan fan flying the double bird at the BTN cameras during the SDSU game.  This week, we think we've met his son.

A late night YouTube tour turned up this video titled "It starts at birth"...



The clip's description put up by poster "DangerousHall" on YouTube reads:

While reluctantly watching the MSU/OSU game I asked my son if he was rooting for Michigan State or Ohio State. His response was "Fuck State." I wish I had coached him to say that, but it was his response to my question. I had to pull out the camera and get some proof, so here's my son using inappropriate language in the most appropriate manor.

Uh, I'm no child psychologist but I'm going to go out on a limb and point out that when you're telling your kid to "Keep saying it" and asking him "Are you saying fuck State?" and topping it all off by encouraging him to "Say fuck State!" then it sounds a little bit like coaching.  I'm just sayin'.

So while I didn't major in psych at Michigan, in my humble opinion, it doesn't start at birth. I'm gonna venture a guess and say it begins when Junior starts copying dad and realizing dad thinks it's a stitch.  It starts when a little boy figures out that when he says "that word" his dad whips out the video camera to record those f-bombs for the world to see.  Again, that's just my non-professional opinion. 

Unfortunately, the saddest part about this whole thing is I think that the Father of the Year candidate heard on the above vid is a Michigan fan.  Just a guess judging by the "while reluctantly watching the MSU/OSU game" line in the description and the "University of Michigan" listing in the TAGS section.

On a positive note, if "DangerousHall" is single, we think we've found a soulmate for him.

What your mom would be like as an Ohio State fan

Ever wonder what your mom would be like if she were an Ohio State fan?  The MZone has uncovered the answer and it ain't pretty.

Yesterday, I stumbled across the clip below entitled Mom + Ohio State Buckeyes Game.  The YouTube description below the video reads, "This is sooooo funny!!!! She only acts like this when she watches a ohio state buckeyes game."  But after watching, I think you'll agree with my hunch that that's probably not true. 

Now, you'll have to pardon the picture quality of the clip since the SOB (son of a buckeye) shooting it was apparently using a full-sized VHS camcorder circa 1988 lit through the haze of mom's cigarette smoke.  But you can can hear the audio loud and clear.

Oh, can you hear the audio (which starts around the :25 second mark)...



Folks, not to get all film critic-y, but rarely does a YouTube clip work on so many wonderful levels.  From the utter lack of football knowledge, to the constant f-bombs in front of her kid(s) recording the event, to my favorite bit of "dialogue" uttered over the last year:

"Yes!  We are the shit!  C'mon now, get that field goal, motherfuckers!  Give mommy $40 dollars."

Wow.

There are no words except bravo.  Bravo and congratulations, ma'am, on your nomination for the MZone's coveted Mother of the Year award.

O. S. U...Tube

We admit there are a lot of YouTube vids by OSU* fans posted here on the MZone.  But it's not our fault.  Honest.  We simply work with what the comedy gods giveth.

Truth is, our crack research team searches just as hard for the crazy or out-there Michigan clips.  However, we usually find things like this...



Sure, it's fine. It's okay. It's...whatever.

But the vids posted by Tosu* fans are, shall we say, different.   And plentiful.  Now that so many in Buckeye Nation Unincorporated Township have finally gotten rid of their AOL dial-up accounts, there is a YouTube glut of these folks sharing their Tosu* pride - usually sans filter. 

For example, last fall, we were traumatized by Mascot Man who sucked so bad he was awesome in a Showgirls kinda way.  There's Jessi-slash-Stretchy Buckeye who, well, this.  And who can forget the Sleepy Rappers?  Not us.

Face it, some dude humming The Victors on a whistle pop just doesn't seem worth posting when up against that kind of competition.

Then there are the Buckeye jackhats who, in their own, limited, f-bomb laden words, say O-H S-O much about the Tosu* fan base.  Like the articulate young man in the videos below.

First, he made the following "test video" in order to familiarize himself with the cutting edge world of YouTube:



Having conquered the intricate YouTube technology with his six second masterpiece above, this deep thinker then proceeded to share his wit and college football wisdom with the world.  Behold the genius...



Favorite line: "You see that fuckin' helmet back there? That's what we do, baby."

Uh, Fathead wall stickers in your room at your mom's house? I'm confused.

Most Inspirational Speech of the Year

Busy couple of blogging days this week. So going to take it easy today and leave you with the most inspirational speech I've seen since that 4 year old kid did the Miracle speech.

Why do I think we're seeing the first glimpses of a future college football coach here?  If this is what the kid can do after riding a bike at about 4 or 5, think of his halftime speech on the road in Norman.

Denard: Kinda of a Big Deal

Wisconsin Booger Eaters?

HT: Sru

Former Wisconsin All American John Moffit is the player in the sweat pants, all the way to the right in the video.
You have no idea how much I wish this was Justin Boren.

OT: Yogi Bear Alternate Ending

To take everyone's mind off the new Big 10 logo and division names, here's the alternate ending for the upcoming family film, YOGI BEAR.

Violence (and stupidity) at USC-UCLA Game

ED. NOTE: This post has been updated (and its tone altered) with additional links and video as I've found more clips of a surprising amount of violence at the Rose Bowl on Saturday.  In fact, I ended up changing the title of this post from "Trojan Ingenuity" (due to the bottom video and its comedic asshattery) to the current title (due to all the violent asshattery I stumbled upon).

It's sad when the biggest hits in a rivalry game come off the football field.  But that's what happened before, during and after USC's 28-14 victory over UCLA.

First a 50-75 person brawl broke out on the golf course used for parking outside the Rose Bowl leaving two men with stab wounds and three men in jail, including one on a charge of attempted murder.  Two officers were injured trying to break up the melee.



And it wasn't just a bunch of drunk dudes before kick-off.  The women in the video below decided to settle their differences it in the stands during the game.



Then there was this:



Apparently from around the same time is this guy getting knocked out:



If you read the site regularly, you know I have zero tolerance for any kind of fan violence.  Period.  Folks always talk about when something like this happens how, "Someone's going to get killed one day and then what?"  Well, two someones almost did on Saturday - one suffering eight - 8! - stab wounds to the back and another getting stabbed in the face.  I hope anyone responsible for this crap gets the book thrown at them.  Thus, while we tend toward the comedy here at the MZone, I'm not going to make light of this melee these multiple melees.

But I will make fun of the knuckleheads in the video below.

Apparently a USC fan locked her tickets in the car and couldn't get them out. So, naturally, to solve the problem, she and her friends decided to:

A) Call AAA to have them come unlock the car.

B) Buy another ticket on the way in from some desperate scalper for $10 bucks (or probably less) since the game only drew 71,000 fans to a stadium which seats approximately 91,000 spectators.

C) Smash the vehicle's window with a keg.

If you answered "C: Smash the window with a keg," congratulations! You are one of the Trojan rocket scientists in the video below.

There needs to be a college football rap moratorium

How did I miss this one? Yikes!



(HT to respected enemy TG for sending this my way)